


Superstar (Let's Start a Nuclear War)

by SilverBird13



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Blame the Kink Meme, Crack, Gay Bar AU?, M/M, Miss New Booty, Quast!Vert on a pole will be my dying sight after writing this, See Javert work it, Those fishnets are being worn FOR A CASE, Work it Javert work it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-15
Updated: 2013-08-15
Packaged: 2017-12-23 13:34:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/927067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverBird13/pseuds/SilverBird13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Fuck my life,”  Javert cursed under his breath as he straightened one of his fishnet garters and cringed at the slimy feel of lipstick on his teeth."</p><p>Or, Javert wants to take you to a gay bar.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Superstar (Let's Start a Nuclear War)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm honestly speechless at my own actions. Written for the prompt: "Miss New Javert: Engender a scenario in which Javert twerks it to Miss New Booty."
> 
> If you can guess the song I stole the title lyrics for, I love you.

“Fuck my life,”  Javert cursed under his breath as he straightened one of his fishnet garters and cringed at the slimy feel of lipstick on his teeth.  
  
“On in five, everybody!” the manager cried from behind him, causing Javert to tense up as he walked to his assigned pole, ducking his head to avoid being hit by a beam.  Why on God’s Earth did he even have to wear these shoes?  He was 6’5, for Christ’s sake!  
  
Javert soon reached his pole, and shook his head in horror.  He was actually going to do this-shake his ass in front of a crowd of drunken idiots in this seedy gay bar in the hopes of finding any information out about a damn drug ring.  He huffed as a young man in leather shorts and a half-tank with a black cat on it waved at him as he walked to his own pole, nearly falling flat on his face in his low Mary-Janes.  
  
At least at a straight club, he could’ve just worn his tried-and-true pimp disguise.  
  
“Ready, boys?” the manager yelled again, and Javert gritted his teeth, adjusting a fake eyelash as the curtain began to rise.  
  
**********

  
30 seconds into the act, and Javert was ready to let the drug ring become a national treasure if it meant he could get out of this.  
  
“Miss New Booty!” Leather Shorts cheered as a pounding beat began, grabbing hold of his pole and slinking down and up it again, pouting ridiculously for the hooting crowd.  
  
 _Miss New Booty?  Why would_ MISS _New Booty be playing in a_ gay bar _?  For God’s sake, what even_ WAS _this?_  
  
Javert rolled his eyes and attempted to smile as he forced his mind to go blank.  Too many questions and not enough sanity left on Earth to explain whatever _this_ was.  
  
 _Booty, booty, booty, booty, rockin' everywhere_

_Booty, booty, booty, booty, rockin' everywhere_

_Booty, booty, booty, booty, rockin' everywhere_

_Rockin' everywhere, rockin' everywhere!_  
  
  
The cheering from the crowds intensified as he watched Leather Shorts receive the pleasure of a new dance partner in a man clad in a doctor’s coat and red briefs.  Leather Shorts grinned, bent forward, and began shaking his ass as Doctor’s Coat slapped it with a smirk.  Javert watched the fucking donkey show with a grimace and began to shake to the beat, one hand moving up and down the pole as he closed his eyes and attempted to picture something, _anything_ sexy.  
  
 _Girl I don't need you, but you need me_  
 _Take it off, let it flop, shake it freely_  
 _And I don't tell storie, I let 'em tell they self_  
 _And you ain't gotta sell sex, girl it sell itself_  
 _Like nuttin' else, yeah I'm a country boy_  
 _But that big city bottom fill me up with joy_  
 _Ain't life grand, live it up Betty_  
  
“C’mon, BOOTY, ALEJANDRO!” the stage manager screamed from backstage, barely audible over the crowd’s sudden excitement in Javert’s slight wiggling (or was it because the idiots on the other pole had begun to fairly fuck onstage?)  
  
Javert’s eyes snapped open.  Damn, just when he’d had old Valjean wailing his name, too.  He cursed the name Alejandro (stolen from his pimp disguise), cursed the stage manager, and stepped forward, sticking out one hip and turning his back to the crowd.  Sighing, he bent at the knees slightly the way Leather Shorts had done, and attempted to mimic his movements.  
  
 _Booty, booty, booty, booty, rockin' everywhere_  
 _Booty, booty, booty, booty, rockin' everywhere_  
 _Booty, booty, booty, booty, rockin' everywhere_  
 _Rockin' everywhere, rockin' everywhere!_  
  
Javert fairly laughed as he listened to the lyrics of the song for lack of anything better to do.  The movement was fairly repetitive ( _ass out, pelvis in, slam backwards and forwards like a deranged bird_ ), and REALLY, he could write better shit than this literally dancing on a goddamn pole in black fishnets and lacy boxers.  
  
  
 _BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY ROCKIN' EVERYWHERE_  
 _BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY ROCKIN' EVERYWHERE_  
 _BOOTY BOOTY BOOTY YOU KNOW NOTHING OF JAVERT_  
 _NOTHING OF JAVERT_  
 _NOTHING OF JAVERT_  
  
  
Well, at least _his_ lyrics were more personal.  
  
  
 _Ass get to jiggling, motherfuckin' wiggling_  
 _Keep that thang shakin' like she frost bitch shivering_  
 _Ass be delivering all type of flashes_  
 _Cashes got these ho's shaking like molasses_  
 _Sssh *whispering* let me whisper in your ear_  
 _Get yourself together go and buy some new gear_  
 _Do something with your hair then hit the club_  
 _Shakin' ass at the fellas, goin' show some love_  
 _But that wasn't in just a minute ago_!  
  
Javert sneered again at the song as his leg muscles began to give out and he was forced to face the crowd again.  His ass wasn’t even big, for Christ’s sake!  He was hardly a small man in stature, but damn if he wasn’t fit!  
  
“Fuck me all night, tiger!” some idiot screamed, throwing a $10 bill at Javert, which he reached to pick up without thinking, his shaggy hair thankfully shielding his sneer from view as he prayed to the God he was sure hated him that his boxers covered enough from behind.  The action apparently incited more generosity, and soon Javert found himself fairly showered with bills, Leather Shorts and Doctor’s Coat retreating with matching frowns.  
  
“C’mon, big boy!  We’ll give you $50 for a lap dance!”  
  
Javert tensed, shoving the bills he’d collected into a garter and stomping to find the source of the voice before he could change his mind and go become a damn realtor.   
  
“Yeah, we’re over here!” the man screamed again as Javert came closer to find two young men, a dark-haired one frantically waving his hand as well as a shyer-looking brunette with a journal at his hip.  
  
“Hey, you were great up there!  Look, we got this guy, okay?” the black-haired one said with all the drunken intensity he could muster, “and he’s totally hot for you.  You think you could give him a dance, help him loosen up?  We took him here to get him out, but he looked like Hell before you came on."  
  
The brunette shifted to reveal a well-built white-haired man in a button-down with a blush covering his face and a sizable tent in his jeans.  
  
Jesus fuck.  
  



End file.
